Hidden Treasures

by delraydavis on August 24, 2017

A while back, I sent a picture of my newest prize possession to someone who’s opinion I have deep respect for. That possession was a cast iron pan. Stupid right? I kind of thought so as well. when asked what she thought it said about me that this silly item had become important to me.

“You are returning to your roots”. Kathryn is a smart woman.

Its also interesting that this thing has become symbolic of my life these days. These aspects of maintenance in my life that once seemed really onerous, now are the things that I look forward to most. The same way as washing my pan has become. The need to scrub off elements that cause damage, but to allow myself to keep aspects that protect me, and ‘season’ me. I run. I meditate. I reflect. And I look for my strengths and reinforce those pieces of my mind and my heart.

But most important is this small lesson I am learning, that I am enough. I do not need fancy kitchen gadgets in the same way that I do not need to try and become something I wasn’t to begin with in order to be happy. My life can be simple, and kind, and compassionate, and forgiving…especially to myself. The times that we exist in, the idea of ‘enough’ seems forgotten. In my quest for that simplicity I am coming to know a man I thought was lost.

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The therapy of doing

by delraydavis on June 12, 2017

I started today in the tight grip of anxiety. Not about anything in particular, it was just there. A new companion in these days of strife. She pushed her brother depression into the background for the day. Not a better situation, just a different one.

Most often these days are set off from nightmares. Waking up shaken, and it plays on my nerves for most of a day if I let it. I have been trying to get in to see the VA about it, but like everyone else my requests for help seem to fall on deaf ears. It’s hard enough to make that request for help after so many years, but then to have it go unanswered is …embarrassing.

Moving on however. This is not the battle I am normally fighting but it is one I have engaged in before. the nice thing is that living a life a little more free from constantly being emotionally beat down, I found that there is a strength in me to simply do something. Really anything. These afflictions can make getting out of bed, or step out into the sunlight a herculean task. I’m proud that I’ve found that strength, and as counter intuitive as it is, this is what helps me to get past those walls. And it seems that day by day those walls are getting smaller.

Today my weapons were accomplishments. By the time I had finishing cutting back the hedges outside the house, my hands had stopped shaking. Once the dishes were done, my heart palpation was gone. After my Jeep was washed my heartbeat had slowed. Each task eased the grip on my heart, as if the stronger I took hold of my day, the less my day had a hold on me.

I can feel myself getting healthier, but I know I will need help to cross that threshold. I’m happy I don’t see these things as weaknesses to hide away any longer. I am happy to know I can cope in non self-destructive ways. That I have light in my heart and in my future.

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Dear Dad…

June 11, 2017

You were not a perfect man. I remember impatience, frustration, anger, and occasionally intolerance as I grew up. I didn’t understand you, and even now I struggle with that. Even now I still learn about you, the things that moved you, the things that drove you. Even though we rarely saw eye to eye, and [...]

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Humble pie

June 10, 2017

I made a mistake today. And honestly it’s weighing on me. I came face to face to face with my own arrogance. Ugly little bastard raises his head from time to time as much as I fight him. He is insidious as hell too. I thought I had someone all figured out in the worst [...]

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Duality

June 9, 2017

Tonight I remember…the quiet of a snowfall. The odd parallel of feeling wrapped in a blanket of still and quiet while feeling exposed to a whirlwind of cold and motion. It’s a great metaphor for many times in my life when I feel both turbulent and at peace. I wonder how it is that we [...]

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Childish things

June 9, 2017

Tonight I remember…Friday night football games in high school. That palpable excitement, the feeling of not doing something wrong, but then not quite right either. Free, open, charmed nights. Looking for the girl I had a crush on that no one knew about, paying just enough attention to the game to cheer when we scored [...]

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Smart timeout

May 19, 2017

Ever worked under resource restrictive conditions in terms of memory on an application? I did. One of the frustrating things I was asked to do was an up to the moment refresh of operational data for the device I as supporting. What would routinely happen was a backlog of AJAX requests because the web server [...]

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Fraud in the state of Oregon?

April 28, 2014

Question: Who is Duane Addink? I have been struggling with this one for quite a while now, and since I cant seem to get an answer from Greg Walden’s office I thought I would pose it here. Duane Addink is the (apparent) owner / operator of Grand Valley Consulting LLC, of Hudson, Michigan . And [...]

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Help in Drupal Modules

February 6, 2012

Just started building some documentation in the Drupal API modules I built that employ the 3scale API management services. Using the modulename_help hook function. Normally these files seem to display simple instructions, or information. In this particular instance I decided that code samples would be the most helpful. You can download the updated files from [...]

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Git and Putty – A bad combination?

February 4, 2012

My first foray into the world of Git was marred by errors and connection problems. As it turns out, during the installation process of Git, it was detected I had used Putty previously (I normally use Putty as my SSH of choice when working with amazon EC2 instances), and Git wanted to know if I [...]

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